Yeap. You read right. I’m fed up with being a human being.
For the past, I don’t know how many years (ten, is it?), I’ve sat on my laurels and let myself go.
Horrible admission to acknowledge in public, I know. But I’ve done nothing, been nowhere and seen no one. Nothing of any note at least.
Granted, when I actually sit back and think about it, I may have had a few hurdles along the way during that particular time-frame. Let’s see…
- my father passed away (can’t get over that one)
- my faithful companion passed away (with me for 15 years – can’t get over that either)
- I relocated no less than 13 times – that’s not a typo! THIRTEEN! (England, Scotland and Germany)
- I earned an MA (psychotherapy)
- I got a new job (with the men’s welfare)
- I started pursuing my dream (writing books and helping others write theirs)
- I’ve published a few free books (fact and fiction)
- I’ve met literally THOUSANDS of men from all over the world…
…Yet,when I step back and contemplate that list, it seems quite a lot. One look at the anxiety book I put together and see that the amount of stress in there puts me right at the top of the list!
But, as I sit here, in my life, being in this chair, nothing has really happened.
Nothing has changed. None of it has any meaning.
I’m still the same old me (older me). Still the same old salary (2% rise in ten years?). Still the same old situation (my last holiday was in 1999). Still the same old single status (left my man in 2007). Still the same old food I’m eating.
I feel that, somehow, I got lost along the way.
There’s really no excuse for me feeling like this.
Unless, of course, I look within
When I look at what’s going on inside my head, it feels as though a crazy lot of sh*t is rolling around in there. I try meditating, but I can’t concentrate. I try exercising, but I get tired. I try reading, but my eyes hurt.
In that last ten year stint – from 2007 until 2017 – I’ve put on three stone, grown some wiry bits on my chin, formed some wrinkles around my eyes, battle with grey roots on more than a six week basis, while retirement appears to be looming ever closer rather than it really should (even though the government keep pushing back the age limit).
It’s really all my own fault. I’ve no one else to blame but myself.
I even seriously contemplated ending it all at one point. But I didn’t. And I won’t. Why? Because life is too much of a temptation. Though it can be awfully boring, tedious and an horrendously fearful, painful place to be, it can be absolutely awe-inspiringly beautiful at times. It is those times that I look for. Those times that keep me going. To witness the wonder in nature – the drop of dew on a blade of grass, the sun peeking over the horizon at the dawn of a new day or at the end of an old one.
I don’t want to be a human being anymore
I want to be selfish for once. I want to focus on being a human doing. And instead of being surprised, like all these celebrity pictures of people who show you how they’ve changed (after you haven’t seen them on the scene for a while), I’m going to invite you to come on this journey with me. To watch the transformation in action.
Watch how I persist to reach my goal – or not.
Observe if I succeed or fail.
I am fed up with being a human being, yes. So now I’m going to spring into action.
- First things first – SUGAR! I’m going to cut it out. I won’t beat myself up entirely. After all, in my 15 cups of tea every day, I’ve been taking about 30 teaspoons a day! I recently counted that out into a glass and was horrified!
- I’m also going to finish my memoir. It’s been a long time in the making and I owe it to myself to get it done.
- I’m actually going to give my valuable knowledge, experience and skills away to those who want it – through FREE workshops in the community.
And your goal is?
I’m going to get moving. Move along with me. Tell me what you want to really persist in changing in your life by doing.
Kaye Bewley, Founder of BewleyBooks.com